The Poo Blog

…so poo – it’s a thing.

Nope, that pink elephant in the room ain’t blending into the walls. We are going to address this majestic creature and her avuncular excrement once and for all!

Poo; crap; shit; faeces; excrement; doo-doo; the brown python; the thrilla from manila; loose motions; chocolate log; bowels on fire; poking turtle’s head; turd; faecal tart; and my favourite of all, King Kong’s finger.

Phew, all this talk about poo has gotten me in the mood for some frozen yoghurt (long story).

So I’ve been vegetarian for a while now. Sure, it’s been great, and challenging, and an emotional rollercoaster, and all that poo-flavoured balderdash, but let’s cut the crap, and smell the daal-speckled pungency. No vegetarian account is worth anything, if one’s bowel movements aren’t rigorously analysed. I understand what the people want, and no taboo is going to stop me declaring my faecal experiences to the world.

Veggies have fibre. Fibre makes you poo…won’t being vegetarian just…make you poo a lot?

The answer to that question is, quite frankly, yes….a resoundingly glorious yes! 

Vegetarianism is to one’s colon, what Caesarian military rule was to Pontus – it comes, it sees, and you can be sure of one thing; it bloody well conquers! It is as if an invisible set of hands is pushing down on your colonic tubes, like a fat kid trying to squeeze every last bit of cookie dough out of the tube – your large intestine is swiped clean!

It has been said that the act of defecation is one of relaxation at times – ok, who are we kidding – everyone loves a good, ol’ fashioned poo. It’s flippin’ fantastic! But as with all great things, there are great lessons to be learnt. After all, it was Uncle Ben who said, “with great bowel movements, comes great responsibility.”

*cue ‘How to Save a Life’*

Not everyone can poo. In fact, one of the hardest tests people have to go through in my opinion is not being able to relieve oneself of one’s own waste. Everything from urinary infections, to paralysis of the sphincter muscles – how often do we relieve ourselves, and then really express our gratitude for the ability to do so? Lesson number 1

I am grateful that my bowel movements have been superb. I’ve aced the Bristol Stool Chart, but my vegetarian diet has consisted of the finest quality things on offer to a casual vegetarian. I have been eating fresh vegetables, fancy quorn meals, bean burgers, veggie curries, different desserts. I have been paying as much, if not more, on my veggie diet than I would have on a fully meat diet. The ultimate truth is though, that many people around the world are vegetarian out of necessity, and many of these people will not be able to uphold a healthy, balanced vegetarian diet. Whether I’m eating vegetables, or animals, I need to realise that due to my situational privilege, I am eating better than most in the world. Lesson number 2

I have learnt that one can change in their own skin completely. For example, how many of us hated certain foods when we were younger, and now crave those same dishes all the time? I could never imagine a day without meat, let alone 45. The body is capable of doing anything, and we need to get off our crappers and use this adaptability to its full advantage. Lesson 3

So there you have it. 3 insights I have gained from poo over the last month and a half. I pray that we can continue learning valuable life lessons from our excrement. After all, Churchill did once say, “there is no increment, without excrement!”