…so poo – it’s a thing.
Nope, that pink elephant in the room ain’t
blending into the walls. We are going to address this majestic creature and her
avuncular excrement once and for all!
Poo; crap; shit; faeces; excrement; doo-doo;
the brown python; the thrilla from manila; loose motions; chocolate log; bowels
on fire; poking turtle’s head; turd; faecal tart; and my favourite of all, King
Kong’s finger.
Phew, all this talk about poo has gotten me in
the mood for some frozen yoghurt (long story).
So I’ve been vegetarian for a while now.
Sure, it’s been great, and challenging, and an emotional rollercoaster, and all
that poo-flavoured balderdash, but let’s cut the crap, and smell the daal-speckled
pungency. No vegetarian account is worth anything, if one’s bowel movements
aren’t rigorously analysed. I understand what the people want, and no taboo is
going to stop me declaring my faecal experiences to the world.
Veggies have fibre. Fibre makes you poo…won’t
being vegetarian just…make you poo a lot?
The answer to that question is, quite
frankly, yes….a resoundingly glorious yes!
Vegetarianism is to one’s colon,
what Caesarian military rule was to Pontus – it comes, it sees, and you can be sure of one thing; it bloody well conquers! It is as if an invisible set of hands is
pushing down on your colonic tubes, like a fat kid trying to squeeze every last
bit of cookie dough out of the tube – your large intestine is swiped clean!
It has been said that the act of defecation is
one of relaxation at times – ok, who are we kidding – everyone loves a good, ol’
fashioned poo. It’s flippin’ fantastic! But as with all great things, there are
great lessons to be learnt. After all, it was Uncle Ben who said, “with great bowel
movements, comes great responsibility.”
*cue ‘How to Save a Life’*
Not everyone can poo. In fact, one of the
hardest tests people have to go through in my opinion is not being able to
relieve oneself of one’s own waste. Everything from urinary infections, to
paralysis of the sphincter muscles – how often do we relieve ourselves, and
then really express our gratitude for the ability to do so? Lesson number 1
I am grateful that my bowel movements have
been superb. I’ve aced the Bristol Stool Chart, but my vegetarian diet has
consisted of the finest quality things on offer to a casual vegetarian. I have
been eating fresh vegetables, fancy quorn meals, bean burgers, veggie curries,
different desserts. I have been paying as much, if not more, on my veggie diet
than I would have on a fully meat diet. The ultimate truth is though, that many
people around the world are vegetarian out of necessity, and many of these
people will not be able to uphold a healthy, balanced vegetarian diet. Whether
I’m eating vegetables, or animals, I need to realise that due to my situational
privilege, I am eating better than most in the world. Lesson number 2
I have learnt that one can change in their
own skin completely. For example, how many of us hated certain foods when we
were younger, and now crave those same dishes all the time? I could never
imagine a day without meat, let alone 45. The body is capable of doing
anything, and we need to get off our crappers and use this adaptability to its
full advantage. Lesson 3
So there you have it. 3 insights I have
gained from poo over the last month and a half. I pray that we can continue learning
valuable life lessons from our excrement. After all, Churchill did once say, “there
is no increment, without excrement!”
