Not too long ago, I went vegetarian and
insinuated that the only question on peoples’ minds was how exuberantly
magnificent a vegetarian’s bowel movements truly were. I attested to this
stereotypical, yet naively understandable, enquiry in the most positive of
affirmations.
If the world truly understood the utter
divinity of a dump that clears one’s bowels the way the ocean waves clear the
shore, world leaders would likely stop bombing countries for oil and start bombing
their toilet seats.
Oh it has been a while since I have
experienced the sensual slither of that great plutonic python of poo spouting
out of the crater with a fervourous intensity that would bring the Vesuvian
eruption to shame; alas, c’est la vie of the common fibre-deprived folk that I
must live.
Right, so at this point I am just trying to
make you uncomfortable; but rightfully so! How dare we conceal the greatest of
joys in our life because society tells us that the natural process of our bodies
filtering through our food and jetting out the remnants is somehow
blame-worthy or cause for embarrassment? Is this not among the gravest of
injustices and the greatest of ingratitudes? Do we realize the great honour,
respect and dignity with which we should be addressing each phallus, each
torpedo, each tree-trunk of chocolate firework that does us the immense
privilege of firing out of our netherlands?
Nay, I shall be the zealot and rise against
the oppression of societal suppression and cultural taboo; I shall be the
restorer of fecal honour, the reviver of ordurous majesty!
Lesson
#1 – poop is a lifesaver
I went on a spiritual retreat last weekend
through acres of nature, hills, lakes, farmland; the whole shebang! Spotted
across the greenery were little minstrels of pitch-black dropping, medium-sized
pears of innocent brown turd, and large tetrahedrons of solid algae-coloured mash!
One thing they had in common? Revitalizing
the world!!!
How could I not reflect over the wondrous
properties of our dung as natural fertilizer? I have known this all along, but
have I ever appreciated how truly self-sufficient our natural world is? The sun
invigorates us, sustaining the plants which feed the animals, and then our
waste and our bodies go back to this green Earth to become one with everything
once more – the cycle of life. If not for man-made plastics and other
pollutants, our world has the most intricate of mechanisms to ensure that every
single bit of us; not the least of which is our poop; is used to create,
sustain and nourish life!
Lesson
#2 – poop is the solution to the energy crisis
Having just read this beautiful story of a village powered by poop, I couldn’t help but think that poo could be the
solution to our global energy crisis!
The greenest form of energy known to man
has been staring us straight in the butthole. With so much energy densely
stored in each morsel of poo, the fragrant stench ain’t the only thing that
packs a punch!
Lesson
#3 – poop is the cure to our biggest downfall
Arrogance; the
reason for every bad decision since the inception of time!
How can any one
human claim to be superior to another in race, class, gender, wealth or status
when NO MATTER WHAT, you will ultimately feel utterly incapacitated until you
are forced to sit in a position that you would never want to be seen in, doing
the deed that you want no one to know you have done. Primordial human
necessity; and just like that, man who considers himself so high is made an
utter slave to the whims of nature where he arguably stoops so low!
In fact, we ARE nothing more than poo that
will one day be broken down by the earth and chewed up by cows and
grasshoppers. Tell that to the next person who sticks their nose up in superiority!
Oh poo, we're coming to the end, aren't we?
So there you
have it. 3 more vital lessons we must all take from poo. In a world where we
are increasingly disconnected from nature, let us never forget the miraculous
nature of that which swirls in the water beneath us, or soils the soil all around.
“You’ve gotta poop like there’s nobody watching, poo
like you’ll never be hurt, poo like there’s nobody listening, and poo like it’s
heaven on earth.” William W. Purkey
